Society is weird. Namely because they've been trying so hard to make everyone fit into the same, "perfect" box for nearly every aspect of life. Have you noticed that you need to be this size to be considered beautiful, drive this car to be successful and you MUST go to college to succeed. You need to look/dress this way to be cool and when you get married, you sure as heck better have a white picket fence house, a dog named spot, and an all white kitchen in order to have the perfect family. And of course, if you're marriage doesn't look like this, you're DOOMED!
Okay, okay, sure... perhaps they don't use those words verbatim; however! They are quick to drop hints and throw subliminal messages our way to show us just how far away we are from that "perfect" life that we're "supposed to have". Trust me when I say, these expectations do not magically cease when you say, "I do". In fact, I feel like they may be heightened.
You know that catch 22 feeling you get sometimes when someone is asking you a question? Like, no matter what you say, you know that they are not going to be pleased, supportive, or happy with your response. I found that in my first year of marriage (and even before), it was a redundant trap that I was continuously experiencing - and it wasn't just coming from acquaintances, it was also coming from people I considered close to me! Here's some of my favorite questions and answers that I've either experienced or overheard (because i'm nosey like that):
Q: How long have you guys been together?
Response 1: Oh sheesh, that's it?
Response 2: Wow, that's a long time. Why'd you guys wait so long to get engaged?
Q: Did you guys do premarital?
Response 1: Uh Oh... don't you think that's pretty important?
Response 2: Oh... was something wrong before?
Q: What does he/she do for work?
Response: Oh gee, they're not out saving the world, curing cancer and making matter time travel?
Slight exaggeration but you guys get it. I don't believe that people mean any harm but subconsciously, they're creating an itty bitty baby expectation around your relationship that can grow rather quickly and change your point of view if you're not careful. All these questions make you start to question yourself and/or your relationship and before you know it, you could end up focusing on all the wrongggg things which WILL damage your relationship. Don't let anyone tell you that perspective is not important. Generally speaking and especially in your relationship - Perspective is EVERYTHING. Also, don't let anyone tell you what you should and should not be experiencing as a couple because everyone's story is different, everyone's path is different.
Society and media have created this image portraying the "perfect marriage" that has altered so many views in the worst way. Ironically, there's no such thing as a "one size fits all" marriage, especially not one that's perfect. You're going to argue, you're going to disagree, you're going to want your space from time to time, you're going to want your way or the highway here and there... it's human nature. Don't get it twisted, marriage is SO MUCH FUNNNN! But it isn't rainbows and butterflies 24.7.365. And that's perfectly fine. There's a balance to be found, which means you're going to have to compromise on occasion. You're going to be stretched. You're going to be challenged. That's what happens when everything you do, directly impacts another human being and not just you. It's not always easy, sometimes you just want to hug the crap outta your spouse for hours and then other times, you may get this sudden urge to just love tap them upside the head. Don't panic, that's normal.
I've yet to meet a couple where both partners have never felt like "what in the hamfat did I get myself into" at some point in there relationship. In the same breath, I've run across 1 too many couples who put on this front and act like they never disagree on anything. All because they think that's what they're supposed to do lest they be judged. But how can you benefit from that? We're meant to share stories, ideas, struggles, etc. to help ourselves and others on this rollercoaster we call life.
So! That's what we're going to do.
We have some pretty kick booty friends who have volunteered as tribute to sit in the hot seat and tell all about how their 1st year looked. For the sake of privacy (and for fun) we're calling them all: Becky, with the good hair of course.
How Long Have You Been Married?
Becky #1: Just over 3 years
Becky #2: 3 years
Becky #3: 1 year 10 months, not long!
What's 1 Word to Describe Your First Year of Marriage:
Becky #1: Unpredictable
Becky #2: Adventure
Becky #3: Passionate
Generally speaking, what were 2 repetitive issues?
Becky #1: Communication about expectations + Not spending enough quality time together
Becky #2: Where and/or what to eat for dinner + balance of fun vs. productive activities to do on the weekends (I always want to cross things off our list of projects!)
Becky #3: Finances, per usual + moving out! I see finances and their value differently from my husband. I'm not frivolous, but I don't live in fear - saving every single penny. I had to learn to consider the other persons need for security, as well as the family we would one day add to. In regards to moving out, well, see, we lived in [shared] a house. Definitely big enough for everybody, but not big enough for 2 very different families. Not to mention the other family being that of his best friend. Healthy friendships are key in every marriage, you have to have yours and your husband his, but the key is healthy, God centered.
What were some expectations you had for your first year? How many of those came to pass?
Becky #1: Tons of sex (Not exactly), Lots of cute "Instagram" moments (yes), Dinner at the table every night (no), Cuddling to sleep (definitely no), to be challenged and uncomfortable at times (yes)
Becky #2: I envisioned the first year was going to be crazy passionate (including *bedroom stuff*)...and that somehow it would feel super different than when we dated. But because we were always very honest and upfront about our feelings and beliefs, the first year of marriage was a smooth transition (only with new, beautiful things from the wedding!).
Becky #3: Lots of sex!!! Like lots, my sex drive is that of a teenage boy! In my mind marriage is a ticket to free sex. I learned fast, sex is never "free", and now Im pregnant and learning that still! Because pregnancy hormones jack my drive through the roof!
Weekly dates just the two of us, primarily because I knew for a short time we would be living with another family, and also because my husband had a 9 year old son at the time! I knew we needed to maintain alone time, intimacy that isn't physical!
Oh, and mini vaca's. Primarily because we both worked a lot, him from home and me full time. Plus we always talked about traveling and live here in SoCal. Too many places so close, it'd be silly not to visit!
What's something that you weren't expecting in the first year that DID happen?
Becky #1: We actually had a lot of fun. And we really enjoyed learning to live together. We didn't live together before we were married and neither of us had ever lived with a significant other so this was all new territory for us. Making our little apartment a "home" was really fun. Picking out furniture and deciding how to decorate everything was really cool. Even though we had the tiniest little one bedroom apartment for the first year, I remember crying on move-out day because I was going to miss our first home. I thought it would be harder to live with a boy but if you can look past the dirty socks on the floor and the chip crumbs on the couch, it's not that bad.
Becky #2: Didn't expect to start farting in front of each other. Kidding (but seriously...). Ok, but if a fart is a symbol of being able to share EVERYTHING together, that is exactly what marriage became. Within the first year, we shared good, bad, and ugly...and I guess stinky? I didn't anticipate getting to know someone SO deeply that we knew when the other was going to call, what they were going to want for dinner, even what the other was going to say...before they said it. I didn't expect to get "Marriage ESP" so quickly - but we did!
Becky #3: [We were still living with another family]. We didn't move out [of our shared space] in 3 months [as we had planned].It was heart breaking and eye opening. Heartbreaking in the reality that my husband would let me down. I wasn't ready for that to happen so soon. Heartbreaking in that he had more fear in him then I had realized, he always seemed so confident and sure. Eye opening in that so much of me had not changed, I always see the best, and had issues I needed to deal with in not holding certain boundaries, afraid I'd be alone. Rose colored glasses had nothing to do with it. Ignorance in not taking the time to truly heal within myself, all the while I was single, was selfish and wasteful.
Was there ever a moment when you felt like "this is not what I signed up for"?
Becky #1: I tried to be really aware that our first year might not always be butterflies and rainbows but I also didn't want to go into it scared and ready for it to suck. [My husband] and I didn't really know how to fight because we never dealt with that when we were dating. We literally had one fight and it was right before we were engaged. We ended up having this period of time (about 4 months) where we just fought constantly. About anything and everything. Almost daily. It was so crappy and defeating and I remember crying myself to sleep and [my husband] sleeping on the couch and just feeling like a failure. I had never really seen him angry or mad before we were married and I felt like I was the reason he got to that point and that maybe he made a mistake marrying me. One night after we had been fighting for hours he said, "Well what's the point of this anyway? It isn't fun. Why are we married?" That. Sucked.
Becky #2 : Candidly, yes ..but it was very brief. Even though we went through pre-marriage counseling with our church and dated 4 years before we got married, it wasn't until after we were married about a year before it really hit me that HIS priorities, hopes and dreams where also now MINE. I mean, I knew what I was signing up for when I said "I do"...but until you and our spouse don't align on a big, fundamental decision, such as "what city should we live in for our jobs?"...its hard to know how your brain and heart will process. Questioning " is this what I signed up for?" did teach us both that constant honesty and outrightness with our feelings [is important]. Don't keep that stuff bottled up (you'll explode)!
Becky #3: Almost weekly. In all the struggle of living with a family, and a family that did life so different from us, I didn't realize how true it is that you bring your baggage.
Explain the commonly used phrase: "Marriage is work/hard"
Becky #1: It's hard because before you're married (and even when you're dating), most of the everyday decisions and choices that you make are only affecting you. Things like what you choose to spend your money on, what you eat, what you clean (and don't clean), who you hang out with, how you spend your free time, etc. Suddenly, you're married and you have to take someone else into consideration when you make those choices. Some of the choices are no-brainers but other ones are hard because they interrupt your routine.
Becky #2: I disagree with marriage being called "work". Its only work if you aren't willing to compromise. Marriage is a constant balance of give-and-take. We find it works best when we are both receptive to the other's needs and are wiling to flex/bend when its important (or even if its just what the other what's for takeout). The "hard" part is not always getting exactly what you want. But by making your best friend happy, you are getting something rewarding in return.
Becky #3: Your marriage is like TSA to your baggage, it will be preyed, scanned, and at random, physically searched for ALL to see. Even by standards that have no clue who you are. We knew out the gate we had strongholds and mindsets to break off from our families and their pasts, we committed to dealing with that. We didn't realize how intent the enemy is on using that to break you, as partners and individually.
God is the only reason we are still together, and truly still in love and loving one another.
What's the best life lesson you've learned about yourself, your partner and your relationship?
Becky #1: Don't sweat the small things and all things are small things. Honestly though. I didn't realize how easily bothered I was by insignificant things. It's one thing to let something put ME in a bad mood and ruin MY day but it's another thing to let that affect my husband and ruin his day or force him to hang out with me and my crappy attitude over something small.
Becky #2: Marriage thought me life is bigger than ME. Its about putting someone else (and their family) before yourself. And by doing that, its deepened our relationship so much, and even taught me things about myself and my family beliefs.
Becky #3: Take time before marriage to truly know one another, and not through physical means. Do thorough marriage counseling. Not that it'll make marriage itself a breeze, but it sets you up to be prepared for what's ahead. You won't be blind sided.
What was the hardest thing to adjust to when you got married?
Becky #1: Cooking! I am not much of a cook and my idea of a good meal was a frozen pizza. But [My husband] and I both grew up in a home where our moms cooked every night and we both really wanted that in our family as well. So before we got married I told him that I would try to make that happen. I would literally lurk Pinterest every afternoon trying to find recipes that I could follow and it really stressed me out. If I botched the meal, I'd feel so down on myself. [My husband] was sweet though, he would eat everything I made even when I knew without a doubt that it wasn't good. But in general, meeting expectations that I had set for myself or my marriage was a hard adjustment. You have all of these lofty ideas about how you're going to be the perfect spouse, partner, housemate and then when it comes down to it, following through with those things are really hard and downright inconvenient!
Becky #2: Compromise, compromise, compromise. It is both the most difficult thing (because I'm a control freak), but also been the most rewarding part of our journey.
Becky #3: When we give in to sex, any kind, before marriage, we stop seeing the reality at hand, we do miss the obvious signs, and we brush concerns under the rug to keep 'having fun'! When we don't give up sex and don't dive into deep serious issues with a non-partial party, we can get too overwhelmed to deal and decide 'they aren't the one! In so many ways, no one man or woman is the one! God is. God is the one inside the person you choose to love for life, growing and maturing them that makes them your best partner to do life with! For so many reasons I could choose someone else and so could my husband, I'm a woman, not a cup of tea! In the end, I would still choose him!
In the end, I would still choose him!
What is the one piece of advice that you never received but wish you had?
Becky #1: That no one really knows what they're doing at first and that there is no amount of advice that can save you from having a few hiccups along the way. We had a lot of people pour wisdom into us before we got married and we're really thankful for that. Our first year would have been a lot worse if we didn't have that foundation but we still jacked stuff up and you know what? We made it through and we're better for it.
Becky #2: We all get a lot of advise when we get married..."your spouse should be your best friend" -- "never go to bed mad" -- "always eat dinner together" -- "when you're mad at each other, take off all your clothes"...yah yah. Those are really great pieces of advise (although we never tried the 'take off your clothes when your fighting' tip). But I wish someone would've reminded me to FOCUS ON THE GOOD - just like when you date. No relationship is perfect, and no PERSON is perfect. So focusing on your spouses flaws, you will only create a toxic cycle. Think about the perception you had of your loved one when you first started dating, and KEEP that. When you first start dating, you never focused on flaws...you obsessed over every little detail about how AMAZING the person is. If you keep that, you will also keep laughter and an energy that makes each day special.
Becky #3: Marriage is not a joy ride to jump on every rollercoaster with the one person that gives you tingles in your bits with, it's a fight! Who do you want and who do you trust to fight with?
So see, it's not you - it's LIFE. We all experience highs, we all experience lows, and we all experience things differently. But that's what keeps you on the toes and teaches you more about yourself and your S.O. (significant other, for all y'all behind the curve - like me). The key is to know that it's not just you, it's not just your partner, we all experience it from time to time. All that to say, don't let the claims of society dictate how well your relationship is going or how you feel about your relationship.
Trust the process.
